Struggling with mental illness

As I started writing this blog,I realized that I had not really touched on mental illness. It's one of the reasons I started to write. I was going to therapy,and for a short while I was on medication for bipolar depression. I had to stop taking the medication because I lost my job and my insurance. I was in no position to get Medicaid. So I had to go without. My husband became my therapist,but at times it wasn't enough. He work a lot and didn't always have the patience to listen. I understood that. So I started some therapy sessions. It helped me cope with my depression. Sometimes I could tell when it was starting. I could feel the difference in my moods.. and I would instantly get scared. I hated feeling so.. empty inside with no hope. I was also in the middle of raising children. All 3 needed my attention. They were all many years apart from each other. I had one in highschool,one in elementary and a toddler. They all needed different things from and at times,I had total breakdowns. I felt like an awful mom. Not feeling like I could juggle being a full-time mom, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, augh! I was not good at being a stay at home mom. The only thing I loved doing was teaching my children. I enjoyed snack time, reading stories to them,arts and crafts time, music time. It was so therapeutic for me. It made me step out of me for a bit and enjoy their smiles, questions,and exploring things. I wish those days never ended. My oldest is 29, my middle child is 21, and the baby is 15. Once again,all needing different things from me now. My husband and I love watching them get older,more responsible,but we miss the younger years. As I'm getting older, my mental illness gets harder to fight. But I've learned that when I'm happy,to enjoy it. I don't think,how long is it going to last before I'm sad again. I just enjoy. I've also enjoyed writing my book. Getting out on paper about my past growing up and dealing with it as I've gotten older. The biggest thing that has helped me is I've recently realized that I have Autism and ADD. Im on the higher spectrum. I'm undiagnosed,but I'll be getting help for that soon. It has helped me realize that I don't need to be so hard on myself. Not understanding my world all the time can be very stressful. At times I couldn't understand why people would ignore me, Or why I was never invited to go out. It's hard picking up on social ques. I always take everything literal,and so that can be a problem for others. But ,I manage. I could go on for hours about all of this,but that's for another time.

So I say to all of you out there that may struggle with some form of mental illness,don't give up on yourself. Take care of you. And realize that you are important and you do matter. We all do in our own way. Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself. I hope this has helped someone. Have a good day to all. I'll talk again soon. ❤️